The One Thing To Do At The Start Of A Relationship
Most of us are too busy feeling butterflies or planning outfits or composing text messages in the early days of new relationships to consider much else. But there are certain things you should do at the start of every new relationship — things that will help to ensure that the vibe between you and your partner starts on the right foot, and continues in an orderly and fabulous fashion.
I asked experts for the one thing that they would suggest that you make sure to do at the outset of a new relationship, and the results were varied. One thing is for sure, though: Strong, healthy, long-term relationships don’t just happen: They take diligence, awareness and a definite sense of being present and in the moment.
When all else fails, a smart dose of honesty and open-mindedness goes a long way when you’re first getting to know someone. A nice pinch of vulnerability does wonders too. But in the end, whether you follow this expert’s advice or that one’s doesn’t matter so much. Just find a suggestion that works for you, and give it a try. It certainly can’t hurt, and it might make your new partnership just a little more smooth-sailing.
1. Lay Down Your Dealbreakers
“I believe at the start of every relationship, you should try and find a way to work deal-breakers into the conversation,” BetterHelp telehealth counselor and psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. Of course, it’s not that fun to talk about all of the things you don’t want when you’re trying to dive headfirst into something that feels amazing, but it’s best to get anything that could gum up the works later off your chest immediately. A few choice deal-breakers? “You never want to have kids, you are a virgin, you don’t ever want to be married, you are not close with your family,” Martinez says. Whatever your list looks like, we all have them.
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2. Take A Cold, Hard Look At Yourself
“The one thing I would advise everyone to do at the start of a new relationship is take inventory of yourself,” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Night with his wife, tells Bustle. “I would even go as far as to tell them to put that inventory into a journal.” Alex doesn’t just stop there, though: He adds a list of things you should include in your self-reflection. “The things you should take inventory of are your feelings and how the relationship makes you feel,” he says. “Also, are you being your true self?” Does this person encourage you to be you, and show up authentically?
By writing it down, it’ll become crystal clear whether the new endeavor is a wise plan or not. And don’t forget to write down where you see your new relationship heading, he says. “[This] could help you when it comes time to move forward in the relationship or move away from the relationship, by comparing the way you felt at the start of the relationship to the place you are when you look back.” If nothing else, it’ll be a helpful guide for going forward, and will get your thoughts out of your head and on paper.
3. Be Real
It can be so tempting to try to be a better, sparklier version of yourself when you first meet someone. But that will never work out in the long run. “Cross-check to make sure you are both looking for the same things,” Caitlin K. Roberts, founder of To Be a Slut and cofounder of I’d Tap That, tells Bustle. “This is heaps easier to do online when you can see each other’s dating profiles. My previous relationship went totally askew because we failed hard to talk about the fact that he was monogamous and I was not early on.” But if you fall into that trap, you’re not alone: “New relationship energy blinds you to tackling controversial issues because you think love will concur all. Which is stupid,” Roberts says.
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4. Open Your Ears
“Listen,” New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. In the beginning, that’s it: Just listen. “Too many people get swept up in romance and excitement, and they forget to listen and learn about the person they’re dreaming about and fantasizing a life together,” Masini says. “If he says he’s got seven kids, and you’ve sworn off them, reconsider the whirlwind romance. If you are tired of dating men with no money, listen when he says that he’s between projects or in transition.”
5. Be Honest
As Roberts mentioned, honesty is the best policy. “Be honest,” life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “It’s totally normal to want to display the best version of ourselves early on in a relationship, but that can also lead to white lies, or straight-up lies,” she says. So don’t try to front like you’re down with something if you’re not, or like you’ve got everything together if you’re still working on parts of yourself. “If you hate skiing, don’t pretend like you do just because he’s outdoorsy. If you’re allergic to cats, don’t say they’re your favorite pet because she has two,” Rogers says.
If you lie, they’ll find out — and then they’ll know you’re a liar, too. “The truth will come out eventually, so might as well face your disagreements now. It will not guarantee the end of the relationship — promise!” And if a fling does end as a result of being transparent about your needs, it’s for the best anyway.
Still are you single, expecting to be in a relationship- and then your partner may be here.
